It ain't all pizzas and cream

Worse than the disease...or at least stranger

Has anyone else noticed the lengthy disclaimers that accompany TV drug ads these days? And I don't just mean the Viagra warning about "an erection lasting more than four hours."  Three have been enough jokes about that one already.

I mean the truly strange side-effects that emerge during clinical trials and that drug companies must disclose if they want to avoid lawsuits. Like the warning that the drug Requip (used to treat restless leg syndrome, which I prefer to call "the Jimmy legs") may cause "increased sexual or gambling urges."  WTF?! I can't even imagine the mechanism by which a drug to treat leg cramps would compel me to go to Vegas.

And then there are the drugs that are just fun to say... like Abilify.  Ah - bill -if -fye.  Try it.  It sounds like a George Bush word. Like "strategery". It's better if you use it in a sentence..."We're hoping to abilify our troops to withstand the latest round of violence."

Here's one I just made up...
Do not take Noobatrin if you are pregnant, nursing, juggling, swimming, or flying. If you experience uncontrolled panting, insomnia, compulsive sewing, leg cramps, inability to pronounce the letter Q, night blindness, fear of trampolines, or a tendency to make poor financial decisions while taking Noobatrin, see your doctor immediately.

Care to take a whack at it?

Persistent misinformation

Ever get some factoid stuck in your head for all time...only to discover that it's completely wrong?  As a collector of factoids, I find this happens to me with embarrassing regularity. And what's worse, the errant factoid is impossible to dislodge.

Example... if you ever ask me, "What year was the Magna Carta drafted?", I will unflinchingly answer, "1066 AD." Only problem is, the Magna Carta was drafted in twelvehundredsomething. Which I only remember at this very moment because it was just the subject of a question on Jeopardy.  Ask me in two hours, and even with electrodes attached to my balls, I'll answer without hesitation, "1066 AD."

Here's another one... "First man in space?" I always say Alan Shepard, and I'm always wrong. It was some Russian dude. But in fairness, I think this is due to being part of the American public education system in the late 1960s. It simply galled my teachers to admit that 'those barbarians' got a man into space before we did, so as near as I can recall, they actually amended history and taught us that Shepard was first.  Aah, I miss the Cold War.

So, care to share any of yours? I can't be alone in this.

So what's with all the f*cking earthquakes?

Not to give the sign-waving apocalypse-mongers any fuel  for their Christ-is-coming arguments, but what's with all the fucking earthquakes lately?  The most recent was last night in Guam, preceded by one off the coast of Japan, and before that Washington DC and rural Illinois.  The scientists, from what I can tell, don't seem that worried. But with earthquakes occurring along so many different fault systems (and in Washington DC, where the only faults are above ground), I can't help but think the seismograph-watchers ought to be at least a little nervous. Not that the world is gonna swallow its crust, and us along with it, but with so much underground activity in so many different places across the globe, someone should be looking for patterns. No?

Guess it's time to buy some rubber carpets and nail the furniture to the floor.

Updated 5-12-08 to add: 7.8 quake kills thousands and buries 900 students in China. Anyone still think this is normal?

Castro deposed

No, not Fidel.
Jason. 

The dreadlocked stoner with the "What, me worry?" smile was finally voted off American Idol last night, after botching the lyrics to Bob Dylan's Mr. Tambourine Man on Tuesday's performance.  Although the result was not unexpected... forgetting the lyrics is pretty much the kiss of death... the program's producers did their best to generate some drama.  And I was surprised to see that, of 50 million votes cast, each of the 4 contestants was separated from the next by less than a million votes. For those doing the math, that's 11, 12, 13, and 14 million votes. Which means that Jason, who always looked to me like the result of a failed eugenics project aimed at fusing the DNA of of Harpo Marx and Bob Marley, got 11 million votes. Doubtless there was multiple voting going on  across the board, and mostly by tween girls, who are already guilty of cellphone abuse. But I've got to say I'm relieved to see him go. He was, after all, olutclassed and outgunned for the past couple of weeks. I'm sure we haven't seen the last of him, however. He'll probably be slightly harder to get rid of than the other Castro.

Tidbits

Well, I'm really glad that the PA Democratic primary is in the history books.  I will not miss the dozen daily automated phone calls urging me to vote for one candidate or another.  Now it's up to the folks in Indiana to help settle this mess. 

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Congrats to the Philadelphia Flyers for advancing in the NHL playoffs.  Remember that last year the Flyers finished the regular season with the worst record for a non-expansion team in the history of the NHL. And tho this year they have not lived up to the Broad Street Bullies or Legion of Doom legacies, they have risen from the ashes to be a formidable (tho sometimes disorganized) opponent. I hope the Caps' Alex Ovechkin enjoys his summer vacation.

* * *

The PA state legislature recently failed to pass a law requiring that gun owners report the loss or theft of a stolen weapon to the police.  One objection cited by lawmakers was that the law would penalize the gun collector who lost, say, 48 guns but only remembered 46 of them on his police report. Why does this make me feel no safer?  The only people I want having that many weapons are the army and the cops. I know I've raised the gun issue here before, and I'm not looking for a fight, but I really don't understand a few things...
1. What is the legitimate civilian use for automatic or assault weapons?
3. Which number is larger:  home invasions annually thwarted by owners of legally purchased and licensed handguns? Or annual accidental deaths resulting from legally purchased and licensed handguns?

* * *

The Maverick ("Ruby", I've decided, wins the name-the-car contest) is back in the shop for what I hope will be the last in a series of repairs and adjustments to her carb. Hope to have her back on the road by the weekend.

Desperation doesn't sell

It's one of those terrible American axioms.  If you want or need something desperately, the way to ensure that you never get it is to look like you want or need it desperately.  Someone should really explain this to Hillary Clinton.  Because lately, her soundbites are starting to seem, well, desperate.  The invisible Bosnian sniper fire. The aw shucks stories about her pappy teaching her to use a squirrel gun.  The bit about God speaking to her on long walks in the woods.  I get better pitches from porn dealers on MySpace..."I'm Hilly and I like shooting muskrats, talking to Jesus, and getting naked with my girlfriends..."

There seemed to be such relief in the Clinton camp this week that Sen. Obama finally said something that was less than gracefully phrased, tho not technically incorrect.   (Safety tip: you should never TELL the bitter gun-toting, Bible-thumping hillbillies that they are bitter, gun-toting, Bible-thumping, hillbillies. It makes them mad.) But it was good news for Clinton, who got to take the high road for a change. But frankly, Obama's comment really isn't bad enough to have much impact, in my opinion.  For that he would have had to call them "crackers." 

Sadly, Hillary is the one who opened the door on the dependability issue with those TV ads asking us whom we'd rather have in the White House when the call comes announcing that the world was like a clown with his pants on fire.   Because when under fire, like this week, Hillary hasn't looked all that steady.  Of course, if the Dems had anything like a reasonable primay process, she wouldn't have any more to fear from Sen. Obama other than what cabinet post to give him.   But, alas, the Dems ...my party right or wrong...have a sorry patchwork of primaries and caucuses where even second place earns a candidate delegates.  And weak or spiteful leadership that has taken two key states (FL and MI) out of the decision-making process altogether.  (I recently send a futile email to the DNC to ask, politely, WTF.  And closed with, "please don't make me vote for McCain." I got, of course, a form email thanking me for my support and asking if I might like to stuff envelopes.)

So where does this all lead?  Well, to me giving Senator Obama another look.  Generally, idealists don't really wow me. Nor do great speeches, unless backed by great ideas.  But I would like to see the looks on the faces of the pharmaceutical and insurance company execs when Barack takes the oath of office.  Guess I'll decide after I pull the curtain shut behind me.

In my Idol moments

Call it a guilty pleasure, or maybe I'm becoming one of those old farts who believes that a prime time talent show is entertainment, but this is my second consecutive season of watching American Idol with a semi-religious devotion.  And for an atheist, that's saying something. 

But I can't resist throwing in a drive-by post about the current state of Idol contestants.

First, recently ejected blue-eyed-soul singer Michael Johns....
It's the ascot, stupid.  Once maybe, but twice?  Seriously, you thought we wouldn't notice.  Also, you're a little too mature to get enough call-in votes from text-abusing tweens.  Not to worry, though.  I suspect a record contract will be forthcoming.  After all Robert Palmer's dead, right?

David Cook...
Possibly the most interesting contestant, in that you do your homework, make careful song choices, and take an active role in your arrangements.  You might buck the general anti-rock trend and take this thing.

David Archuleta
Can't insult you too much, kid, other than to say your dad over-coaches you. When you outgrow the Garanimals, you might turn into something dangerous.   Bet you never guessed you'd have this many girls (s)creaming over you.

Jason Castro
I never had much tolerance for Waspafarians.  Or stoners.  Frankly I don't get the appeal.  But I'll say this. You're not arrogant.  Which helps. But how long can you survive on the "who, me?" approach.

Kristy Lee Cook
You sold your "favorite" horse to get the money to travel to the idol audition. Really? That doesn't make any points with me.  Just makes me think you didn't really care about the horse.  And makes me think you're a bit of a shark. Isn't there some airline with singing flight attendants that could use your services?

Syesha Mercado
Another shark. In it to win it and you don't care who you step over to do it. Unfortunately, the high notes are your downfall.  Try singing for TV ads. 

Brooke White
You're legitimately talented. Perhaps enough to win this thing. Try singing some Sarah McLaughlin or Tori Amos.  Something less sunny, more dark and twisty. And stop apologizing already.

Carly Smithson
You're tattoo'd and Irish. I really should like you.  I should. Really. But I don't.  Maybe it's the weird angry face and the cigar-store-Indian stance.  Or the ridiculous outfits.  Or the shouting.  Yes, that's it.  The shouting. Please go away.
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PS - Rock on, Amanda, wherever you are.

The nerds are in the house

Anyone watch Battlestar Galactica?  I mean the new one. I've only been a part-time fan, but saw something that caught my attention.

I just got done watching the series summary show, peppered with interviews with the show's creative team, Ron Moore and David Eick.  Eick characterized character Gaius Baltar as, "...the show's libido.  He's equal parts Steven Hawking, Jim Morrison, and the backroom side of Bill Clinton." 

Wow. The nerds are in da hizzy. 

Only a couple of nerds would classify a gutless bookworm as "the show's libido" and give him a blonde model as a lover.  These guys clearly spent way too much time whacking off to Victoria's Secret catalogs as teenagers.   

I'm old enough to remember Lost in Space and am having trouble seeing Doctor Smith as  "the show's Hugh Heffner."

Maybe these sci-fi shows should have something analogous to a civilian review board.  Or an armed air marshal.  Say Vin Diesel or Tommy Lee Jones.  Someone to keep the nerds in line.  Just a thought.

Spring has sprung...slowly

Where's that global warming everyone's been wetting their diapers about?  Around here, spring's arrival has been slower than a drunk paying his bar tab. Nonetheless, we headed out with friends to one of our favorite local hikes on Saturday. We didn't bring the backpack carrier for the baby, figuring she'd want to walk. Well, she didn't. Nor did she want to be carried. Mostly, she wanted to sit. And eat. And sit. 

Mommy sported her new pink hair. 

The baby enjoyed the playground far more than the hike.

Looking for precedent? There's no place like Rome.

A recent NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll asked a random sample of pedestrians in New York's Times Square the simple question: "What Religion is Barack Obama?" A surprising 13% answered, "Muslim."

An erroneous email about the candidate has insisted that if elected President, Mr. Obama will be sworn in with his right hand on the Koran rather than the Bible.

Add to these the recently leaked photo of Obama in Somali attire, and one might conclude that there is some kind of conspiracy bent on giving us the impression that, on some level, Mr. Obama is 'not quite American.'

Interestingly, despite this tidal wave of misinformation, the news may not be all bad for Mr. Obama.

*  *  *  *

Thanks to my father's love of ancient Rome, I have grown fond of fleshing out the parallels dad frequently sketched out between the rise and fall of the Roman Empire and the rise and (impending) decline of America. 

So many of my childhood dinner conversations centered around the decline of Rome and what my father considered the impending decline of America that I can still hear him warn, “The Barbarians are at the gates!”  Of course, my dad voted for Nixon.  Twice.  So today I take his comments in that context.  But it is nonetheless interesting to note that even Rome had its precedent for an Obama Presidency. 

Emperor Marcus Julius Phillippus (244-249 AD) was Syrian, though his father was Roman.  ‘Philip the Arab,’ as he was known, is best remembered for ending a Teutonic tribal invasion, putting down a rebellion by one of his generals from that campaign, and for his tolerance of Christianity.  So, overall, he was considered a rather successful Emperor, though the Empire itself had begun its long slow slide into oblivion.  It is not beyond imagination that Senator Obama could become America’s Phillippus, and give us at least a few years of stability and prosperity. Tho for now, my money's still on Hillary.