For me, autumn was always a time for new beginnings. Not January with its forced and temporary resolutions. But autumn. A cool breeze. A new school year. A new chance to get it right this time. Maybe.
But so many things, terrible things, have happened in autumn. My father's death at the age of 46 in late September 1979. My grandfather's death after heart surgery, late September 1987. The long slide toward the bottom of the bottle in 1995. My grandmother's death in November 2000. And of course, the loss of our dear boys in October 2004.
Autumn has become a rocky time. A time when telephones and mailboxes bring only bad news.
For a long time after we lost the boys I felt as if they were wandering alone in deep woods, or afloat on a frail raft in angry seas, and that there was nothing I could do to save them. I sat on my shrink's couch and told her this, with what must've been the look of a man shot thru the chest but too stupid to die from his wound. And only saying it. Out loud this way. Only then did these images begin to lose their power over me.
Tonight I sang Tori to sleep to the tune of I'll Be Home For Christmas. She likes it, and it's easy for me to hit the notes. She lay her head on my chest and heaved a sigh. We rocked together in the chair. Then I lay her down with Elmo and Maxie Bear.
So, to our sweet boys. I must believe that some of what you would have been...the reflection of our love for you...is alive and well in Tori.
On this day, the weather finally turned cool.
I cannot imagine another life.
I'm very glad you have Tori. And she's lucky to have a dad like you.
Posted by: kathleen999 | October 26, 2007 at 12:12 AM
=(...I could really picture you singing to Tori...I'm now almost crying...=(
I dont know what to say....only thankyou for sharing this with us.
Posted by: lauren | October 26, 2007 at 02:01 AM
oh, tears!
Posted by: Coral | October 26, 2007 at 02:29 AM
Crying, from both sadness and joy.
Seeing you with Tori, being a witness to your love for her, is one of life's greatest gifts.
She is so lucky to have you for her daddy.
Posted by: Sarah | October 26, 2007 at 09:00 AM
Charlie, as always you blow me away with your wisdom, grace, and amazing mad skills with words. I am so very sorry for your loss, and so very thrilled you have Tori.
Posted by: Libby | October 26, 2007 at 02:46 PM
Charlie - I cannot think of a more poignant tribute to the boys and your daughter. May all of your future autumns be filled with light and love.
Posted by: Toni | October 26, 2007 at 04:38 PM
Wow.
Posted by: Rachee | October 26, 2007 at 07:32 PM
Beautifully said.
Posted by: Amy | October 26, 2007 at 10:16 PM
Sorry for the pain.
Posted by: siobhan | October 27, 2007 at 03:41 PM
That is truly beautiful.
Posted by: Amanda | November 18, 2007 at 06:17 PM