The "P" Word

So the other day, just after Cecily had dressed Tori in her swimsuit in preparation for an afternoon at the local swim club, Tori raised her hands above her head triumphantly and announced,"I'M A PRINCESS!" I reacted as if she'd said, "Hey motherfucker!"

"Where did she hear THAT WORD?" I asked Cec.
She shrugged, "I don't know. TV, I guess."
"No no, I'm very careful about what she watches, and there are NO princesses."
"Not even on Dora?"
"No, not even Dora."
"Maybe the sitter then?"
"Well, I'm gonna hafta talk with that sitter."

OK, so this sounds a bit crazy, but we've been pretty careful that Tori not be exposed to passive, prissy, helpless, or bimbo-ish role models like Barbi, Bratz, or princesses of any kind (tho I would make an exception for Xena). Even Angelina Ballerina is on my shit list. And none of Tori's books have princesses in them. Freight trains, talking bears, yes.  Princesses, no.

Plain and simple, I don't want Tori to believe that her role in life is limited to picking out what nail polish to try next.  And princesses are like the gateway drug to helplessness and low self-esteem. Just my opinion. And until the day she can read about women like Amelia Earhart, Bessie Smith, or Benazir Bhutto, I'm going to try to limit the number of pink shoes in her closet.  And I'll go easy on the sitter. First time's a warning.

* * *

Just a side note on a topic that Cec addressed on her blog. Language. "Bad" language.  My dad cursed like a longshoreman around the house.  When he spilled something, when he had a bad day. But NEVER at me or my mom.  And he only raised a hand to me once. My mother, on the other hand, never cursed. But she beat on me like Jersey Joe Walcott. Given the choice, I know which kind of parent I'd prefer to have around the house. 

But some people get strange ideas stuck in their heads. Like the idea that those of us who use colorful language are lowlife. My mom once said that not making my bed was as bad as if I'd killed someone. I told her that not even she was crazy enough to believe that, and gave her the chance to take it back. She didn't. And if I'd been a year or two younger, she'd have hit me.

Comments

[Cathy]

Charlie,
Delurking to reassure you about the dreaded "P" phase. My daughter not only did the P thing, she even refused to wear pants between the ages of 2 and - ? 4? - dresses only! And that game - "Pretty Pretty Princess" - ugh, lasted for too long. But by third grade she was all tomboy, by middle school skateboarding everywhere... and now she's a fiercely independent 20 yr/old who looks back at those frilly days with fondness. The smoother you can ride with it the sooner it will pass.
Cathy

[Jo-Ann]

I could of written that post except in my house it is the G word (guns). Both boys regularly use sticks to shoot things. Makes El and I CRAZY!

[Catherine]

I think you might be fighting a losing battle with the princess thing. It soaks into their skin through osmosis from living in our society, I think. The harder you fight against it, the longer it'll last.

Re: the swearing: Right on, motherfucker. :)

[Ally]

And on the flip side we're so very careful to not expose Jamie to anything overly violent or weapon-heavy but it soaks in through osmosis or something.

Heh - just read the comment above mine. Osmosis seems to be the word of the day.

[Chickenpig]

The princess thing, like the every-stick-is-a-potential-weapon thing is just in the air, I swear to god. Or the DNA...or the ionosphere or something. If not, the bug catches them somewhere in preschool or kindergarten. Let it ride. Supposedly my sister and I were both in to dolls once, but I don't remember it at all. I do remember a kindergarten teacher chastising me for climbing a tree in the playground because I was wearing a dress and the boys could "gasp" see my underwear. I never wore a dress or skirt to school again...ever.

[Jess]

Hey, there is an episode of Dora where Dora has to become a "true princess" to awaken the Sleeping Boots. This one was just on recently, I think.

And, incidentally, Jack also calls himself a princess. And he is ;-)

[Charlie]

Jess - ACK! You're RIGHT. I have seen that Dora episode. And since I don't watch them alone, Tori's seen it too.

I guess acceptance is, as always, the answer.

[Melissa in TN]

I tried to find my daughter a set of play dishes (but I buy her "boy" stuff too--she has the Fisher Price garage and some Thomas toys). It was almost impossible to find anything that didn't have princesses or Barbie on it. I finally found a "generic" set.

I detest Bratz and Angelina Ballerina makes me cringe. Give us Kipper the Dog any old day.

[Andrew]

Like the others have said, Dad, you can't fight it. So just go along with it.

She is who she is, and nothing you do can change that.

On the other hand, she will be interested in the things which interest you. So, there is no reason why she can't be a princess AND be able to explain the difference between a Challenger and a Northern. It will all be fine in the end.

[Leslie]

My daughters both got seriously into the dressing up playing princess thing briefly at around age 5 but soon after that they required toy swords and armour to go with the fancy dresses. (read "The Paper Bag Princess" - fabulous book!) Now at 15 and 18 there's nothing the least bit princess-y about either of them - they're both strong young women who do martial arts and have firm opinions. So don't sweat it - the messages you and Cecily give about being true to oneself will be far more influential than mass media.

[Charlie]

Melissa in TN - Tori LOVES Kipper.

Andrew - True, she gets excited about trains because I do.

[Sarah]

This post is too funny, Charlie.

I forgot to tell you yesterday that *I* apparently refused to wear anything but dresses from 2-4 years old. Me! Someone who only wears dresses now if I absolutely HAVE to or because I have nothing else nice to wear.

[siobhan]

My favorite is the comment you gave to Jess about "acceptance."

[jenn]

Yeah, good luck with discouraging the princess thing. My girls both went through a princess-obsessed phase around Tori's age until around 4 or so. I wound up rolling with the sparkly dresses and tutus, but found the need to dissect and criticize fairy tale plots with them when we watched Disney movies. "Hey, I think Cinderella could have figured out a better way to get away from her stepmother, don't you?" "Snow White's not so bright, is she?"

I'm happy to report that they both outgrew the Princess phase. Now I'm trying to convince them that there are better careers to aspire to than "pop star." Ye gods.

[Kris]

Dora has a princess episode, it was on just recently. When she has to save sleeping boots.

[Sarah]

I see someone already recommended it and I wanted to second reading The Paperbag Princess by Robert Munsch. If I had a daughter going through a princess phase, Princess Elizabeth is the princess I would want her to emmulate. She doesn't fit the damsel in distress role many princesses are portrayed as.

[Amyesq]

Came on over from your lovely wife's blog to say how relieved I am to have someone think the same way. When I am in the car all they hear is "Oh SHIT! Er.. never say that word girls!" But the P word? No way. Luckily I have been able to control their environment such that they don't know anything about princesses yet. But they are coming up on 2 and I fear for the future.

[Paula]

We went through similar phases with our son, refusing weapons for example,trying to keep him from watching violent films. He loved pistols, swords and all kind of guns, drawing war scenes all the time when he was 6. Sigh!
So his father built him a beautiful wooden sword and we had to tolerate all those war games he used to play with his friends.
At New Years Eve he went through all this fascination for heavy and loud firework for over ten years.
O.K. so we went outside with him and did it together, even firing a signal pistol, when he was 16 (which damaged his father's drumskin, shit!)
And all those fascinating violent kill computer plays. Yes, my husband and him even played Counterstrike together, until... well until he lost interest quite naturally, because we did not damn it. And never left him alone. There is onla one important exception: we never allowed him to watch horror films, because they can spoil your fantasy, and prevented that he watched them with friends.

Now he is grown-up (20), finished his education and will begin his civil service in a Kindergarten next month, because, mmh.. why? I think it's because his father is the most peaceful example and some of his "cool" friends also did it. And because we filled him with our love, he has a strong self-esteem, which turns out to be much more influential than all mass media and culture crap around us.

Dont't worry, your daughter will come out as a mixture of the two of you!

Paula