Flipside

Every record has a flipside.  It's not the hit tune. And it typically gets less airplay than the hit side, but the B side nonetheless tells us a lot about the artist who created the record. So here's the flipside to Cecily's post on marital balance.

First, the disclaimer: This is not a "my side of the story" entry.  Nor is it an airing of dirty laundry or an attempt to garner sympathy. And yes, Cecily and I discussed my contributing my viewpoint on this topic, so while my comments are not pre-scripted, I'm not sandbagging her either.

So, it's no secret that relationships, if they are to succeed over the long-term, are going to require work from both people involved. And it's also no secret that the arrival of a child creates one of the most profound changes that a romantic partnership can experience. But as someone once told me, it's not the cards you're dealt, but how you play them, that counts.  And we were dealt some pretty good cards. So plying them well shouldn't be a problem. Right? 

Well, real life is always trickier than the charts and graphs. So you keep trying until you find something that works. And during Cecily's pregnancy and Tori's early life, what worked was letting me be the bellboy while Cec took care of herself and the important life-giving functions like breastfeeding Tori. But with Tori's arrival at toddlerdom, we found ourselves stuck in a pattern that was not suited to our current needs...and one that left us with very few venues in which to feed our own needs.

Here are just a few things that, piece by piece, got set aside:

• Cecily loves people and get-togethers with friends.  But  sporadic traditions like  a women's dinner out, never etched in stone, were eliminated altogether. 

• My train-watching time (time that I use to refuel in the peace and solitude of an abandoned train station) was severely curtailed.

• Meetings and sobriety. Though Cec still makes the effort to attend at least one fellowship, I've pretty much quit going altogether . In part because I'm an atheist and most recovery programs have a spiritual focus that ranges from the muscular to the slightly hysterical. And in part because nobody wants to eat his veggies, no matter how much vitamin A is in them.  Recovery meetings, while good for me, taste like lawn clippings. (Just my opinion.)

• Together time. While we manage to duck out for a quick snack and a movie once in awhile, it's really never relaxed enough to be called a "date." So we never reconnect fully on these nights (maybe once or twice a month).

• Alone time at home. Cec rarely gets any, mostly because I've been the one doing breakfast duty with Tori, ans the idea of taking Tori out of the house drains me of my desire to go on living.

These are but a few examples of the things we give up on a daily basis. And as Cec mentioned, the only way I feel useful in the relationship, is to be her personal bellhop, which annoys the fuck out of her and (I'm just discovering) demeans me.

So, while in the Poconos this weekend, we tried (totally without trying) a new approach. She got up with Tori and let me sleep in. And I took Tori out to the playground and later prepared a dinner. And SHAZAM, we didn't bicker or fight. So on the way home, we Monday morning quarterbacked what we did RIGHT.

For the full list of changes, you can see Cecily's blog. Highest on the list are the things we need to take care of ourselves: better eating habits, quality alone time for each of us, better quality together time, more meetings, and better distribution of labor.  (And maybe even letting Tori spend an overnight with friends.)

So why did it take this long to realize what was broken and to take the steps to fix it?  Maybe it's that we're still, with all our introspection and self-examination, first-time parents. So every phase in Tori's development is still new territory for the whole family. Also, we're the kind of folks who don't do a whole lot of preventive medicine (our current vehicle, for example, is only the second of at least five to get things like regular oil changes). In other words, things have to get pretty broken before we get around to fixing them.  But hey, at least we're doing it now, and not in the office of a marriage counselor, or a lawyer.

One final note: I imagine I'm not the only dad out there who has struggled to find his place in the family dynamic.  And I don't mean lamenting the loss of mindless beerdrunks with his football pals (no, I never had 'football pals'). I'm thinking more of missing the spontaneous, grab-your-duffel, hustle off to a beach hotel for a romantic weekend with your honey. Or reading to each other by the campfire. Or deciding at midnight that we'd like to drive to Atlantic City for a little gambling. Or even just dinner at a new downtown restaurant.

I hope this post and those that follow might prove helpful to others in this position. Remember, I'm learning as I go.  But I promise, if I figure out anything interesting, I'll let you know.

____________________________________________________________

Slang of the Day

Cement mixer: a clumsy or poor dancer.

Comments

[Jo-Ann]

You and Cec have really stumbled upon a great blogging topic that is largely ignored.

In my opinion you both hit it out of the park with this. This needs talking about.

[porter]

Marriage and parenthood are not what I expected. Both are far more difficult and of course more amazing than I anticipated.

I enjoyed reading your 'flipside', it's so much more interesting to read both sides, plus I liked hearing your 'voice' not just what Cecily said you felt...if that makes sense.

I hope the two of you will write some more posts that fit together!

[Melissa in TN]

I like how you added to her post and I think your plan is an excellent one. You two are "right in time" as Lucinda Williams says. (Do you know her work or her dad's? His name is Miller Williams).

[Chickenpig]

These posts of yours and Cecily's make me feel so terribly bad for my husband. Since the last month of my pregnancy and the first two weeks of our new daughter's life my husband has done EVERYthing he is the nanny for our twins, the cook, the housemaid, the maintenance man, grounds keeper, pool boy, launderer, and keeper of the hounds. He doesn't have any foot ball buddies, either, but he does have a group of friends who he used to hang out with, play games online with, and go out to the occasional poker/board game night with...which of course he hasn't done in a looooong time. I don't really have any girl friends to hang out with, but I miss going out on dates with my hubbie terribly. Reading your posts I realize that we have to manage our time better, pay ppl to do some of the things we don't have time to do once in a while, and get a sitter (yeah, right, for twin two year olds and a newborn? that'll happen). Most of all, I really, really need to let my husband know how much he is appreciated and TRY to give him some time to do whatever it is he does (I'm not sure he knows anymore). Thank you for putting your husband perspective out there, I hope that you and Cecily do more joint posts in the future.

[Leslie in Springfield]

When our first child was about Tori's age my husband was also intimidated with the thought of taking her out by himself. What worked for us was signing up Dad & daughter for a county rec center play class on Saturday morning. It was cheaper than a Gymboree class but just as much fun; it gave them a set place & time to go do something that burned off some of her energy; it was nearby and only a 45-minute class, so the entire outing was just over an hour. As they had fun and he felt more comfortable, they began stopping for lunch on the way home. It was the *only* time I got to myself in those years, as he travelled most weeks for business and we had no family nearby. 5 days a week, it was just me, our daughter, and the dog. It took a lot of discussion for him to grasp my need for some time on my own-- it's awesome that you guys already have an understanding of that need and a plan to work toward it.

[Meegan]

Thanks for your take on things as well. I think I need to print out yours and Cecily's posts and stick them onto the fridge. In plain sight. To remind Marc and I that we are just normal.

I'm sure that for everybody who is in a long-term relationship arguments happen, exhaustion happens, work and life all happen, but we need to at least attempt to make an effort for ourselves and each other - this includes the kids. Whether it be eating better, exercising, actually getting that scheduled time out for yourself, or that date night that has be planned for months. Just taking the time to make the effort has helped us out a lot, even if what was planned doesn't happen.

[Meegan]

Thanks for your take on things as well. I think I need to print out yours and Cecily's posts and stick them onto the fridge. In plain sight. To remind Marc and I that we are just normal.

I'm sure that for everybody who is in a long-term relationship arguments happen, exhaustion happens, work and life all happen, but we need to at least attempt to make an effort for ourselves and each other - this includes the kids. Whether it be eating better, exercising, actually getting that scheduled time out for yourself, or that date night that has be planned for months. Just taking the time to make the effort has helped us out a lot, even if what was planned doesn't happen.

[Paula]

Hello Charlie,

I had no doubt that you and your wife would find it out by yourselves how to make changes.The difference between the way of women to deal with those parental challenges is that they describe the problems and feelings directly to collect as much advice and ideas as possible, already having an own concept on mind, always, but being open for new aspects they hadn't thought about before.

And the men, well, they figure it out by themselves (except with some advice from personal friends), as you pointed it out in your post, with humour, some more rational distance, quite cool (in a positive way, my language has two possible meanings of beeing "cool")!

I think the two of you fit quite well together and do a good job!

Have a sunny Sunday.
Paula

[Coral]

We do get stuck on a road that is long term a relationship disaster. For example: Ian cooks, I am allowed to feel incompetant in the kitchen as a result. I love faffing around and making a meal - I have tried to take over 2x a week. But Ian likes being in control. So he is quite capable of telling me where I am going wrong. I don't need that, I need him out of the kitchen if that is his attitude. Sigh, we all do try dont' we?

The best thing is though, we do still adore each other. That is the best bit, hey?

[Alison]

Oh, I love reading your side, too! It goes quite well with Cecily's, I might add. This is food for thought because I struggle with many of the same things in my marriage. How to divvy the personal time and how to divvy the together time. If possible. It takes a lot of thought, I think, and a lot of planning. Thank you so much, both of you, for sharing this.

[amyinbc]

Great post. Thank you.
Have been married 16 years and also find once in awhile old patterns and methods need to be shaken up. Things re-evaluated from time to time, different priorities made. Keeps things healthy.