Day 36: When the pressure becomes too much...

"You are a catastrophizer."  That was the determination of my last therapist.  She was right. I see pirates in my toothpaste tube. Ninjas in my sock drawer. I approach every new situation as if it were a minefield. I try to plan for each and every possible negative outcome. "If you don't have a back-up, you don't have a plan." That's my motto. Actually it's George Peppard's motto in The A Team.  But it's a damn good motto. But all that planning can make a person crazy. Not to mention that person's spouse.

This whole nursing home / Medicaid adventure is only at the outset, and already I'm up half the night worrying about financial calamity. Struggling to remember the location of long-abandoned documents. Combing thu old bank statements, trying to account for every transaction.  And trying to plan for every potential outcome...from bank liens to foreclosure.

I have literally made myself physically ill.

So today I made the call I have been postponing. I called a shrink and made an appointment. Time for the meds. (By the way, when you're sober over 13 years and your sober friends with more clean time than you think it's time you go on meds...it's probably time you go on meds.) At the very least, meds will take the edge off my panic attacks and give my loving and supportive wife a well-earned rest from the twitchy, mumbling sock-puppet of a nut-case who once resembled her husband.

The first available appointment is in 2 weeks. But the good news is: they take my insurance. So perhaps, some relief is on the way--if not from the actual, then at least from the imagined.

 

Comments

[Melissa in TN]

I'm sorry this has been so difficult. It shouldn't be so hard to get your mom the care she needs.

I hope the two weeks pass quickly and you get relief from your panic attacks (they are hellish from my experience).

I always liked the Boy Scouts motto but the A-Team's just may be better.

Thinking of you all.

[jeanie]

Darn you, you have unwittingly (or perhaps very wittingly) placed The A Team in the centre of the living room of my brain!

So glad you are able to reach out.

[Sarah]

I'm proud of you for seeking help, Charlie. You don't have to make yourself ill through this...it is a fucking hard thing you are doing right now, and anything that will help you right now is ok as long as it isn't booze or cigarettes! :-)

Anything you need, just ask.

[Ally]

I just went back on Zoloft for generalized anxiety disorder. My only regret is putting it off for so long. I haven't felt this great in years, maybe ever. Good luck!

[Celeste]

The flight attendant always says to put the mask over your face before you try to take care of anybody else.

[jan]

My wife uses it , my friends use it. It works. If it doesn't discuss it with the doctor.

Control.. just to stay afloat and not drown is a trick in it's own way.

Life to me is now like surfing and I'm no surfer. You have to take each move of the wave and live in that moment. You can plan one or two things a very short distance into the future but that's all. Anymore planning and it's a waste of time because the water moves in ways you and I never will know.

Monks.. it's yin/yan.. not suffering not pleasure it's both and they can be wrapped in eachother. Western ideas are strong but they can also leave people unprepared.

Good luck with all this. One day and one thing at a time, sort of ;D

I wish I could take my own advice but it helps knowing this stuff. BTW exercise.. it's good for the head. You probably knew that

[Amy]

I am so glad you are seeking help for your depression and anxiety. My husband is a much happier person for it. He no longer obsessively worries and frets about everything; life is manageable and I hope you find the same..