Day 182: A funny looking guy walks into a bar (some notes on self-image)

Male self-image is a strange thing. Near as I can tell, it's formed in those awkward pre-teen years when athleticism and physical competition become measures of self-worth. Unfortunately, when it came to sports of any kind, I was virtually worthless (like the old joke, "in the event of a baseball game, I was usually second base").

I remember starting a new school in 6th grade and running into a girl who'd been my "hand-holding friend" in 4th grade, before she changed schools. She, of course, had a new "boyfriend." He was thin, good at sports, and judging by his clothes, rich. I knew where my bread was (and was not) buttered. So I backed off.

Then came another year and another new school, this time in a new city. I was that much chubbier, that much nerdier, that much less confident. My dad had this idea I should be in private school. So now I was in with the really rich kids. How rich? Robert Redford's son Jamie*, was in my class. The high point of our interaction was when he put oranges in each of my coat pockets and smashed them.  A rotten little shit. I did manage to make a few good friends, tho none of them female, and no dating.

Then in 11th grade a new city and a new school again. This time an all-boys prep school. Again, my dad's idea. Growing up in the Depression had warped him. He thought by being around the wealthy, he (and in turn, I) could be accepted by the wealthy. False. I counted my days at prep school, and each night argued my case for a transfer to public school for my senior year. After months, my dad agreed to meet with the Dean of Students at the prep school. Fortunately, this guy was such a huge dick that even my dad got angry and sided with me.  Tragically dad died my first week at public school. Which completely fucked me up.

So senior year was spent in co-ed public school. Which should have helped. Tho I didn't drive, which didn't help. As my high school friends who read this blog can attest, I had zero dates senior year. I had crushes on two girls, each of whom turned out to be an Evangelical Christian. My luck. Mostly, my friends and I drove around, played stupid pranks like destroying mailboxes, and sat around in all-night diners waiting for something, anything, to happen.

Fast forward to college. More of same for 2 years. So, in the photo below, I was 18, a college freshman, and a virgin, with a sparkling vintage 1965 Epiphone guitar, and to quote Lloyd Dobler, "no chicks anywhere." Fact is, I thought I was very ugly. Looking at this photo now, I was just an average teen boy. But I thought of myself as virtually deformed. Funny, huh. And I managed to do it without the help of the media messages that bombard girls and women each day.

If I could go back nd talk to that kid, as Morgan Freeman said in The Shawshank Redemption, I'd try to talk sense to him. I'd tell him not to measure his worth by his body or his athleticism. I'd tell him to take chances. To love life, and if he couldn't manage that, to fake it. And I'd tell him that, despite appearances, whiskey is not his best friend.

Funny thing tho. I'm sure he wouldn't listen.

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*I heard that Redford developed a life-threatening liver ailment that eventually required a transplant, and that he now heads a foundation to increase awareness of organ donation.  Glad to hear he's less of a douchebag than he was in 9th grade. Because he was a HUGE douchebag.

Comments

[Thomas]

Dude, nothing average in that photo. You are smokin'.

For the record, I did not destroy nor did I participate in destroying any mailboxes. That must have been a different night.

Also, for the record, you are /lucky/ not to have dated in highschool.

[Charlie]

Tom -
You're off the hook for the mailboxes...that was Steve S. and Joe M.

[illahee]

i think you look quite handsome in that photo. totally a guy i would have had a crush on in high school.

[Darx]

I can't say for sure, of course, but knowing the guys I secretly thought were dreamy in high school probably also felt like big dorks themselves because they were not the athletic guys but the nerdy ones, I bet there were girls who had crushes on you, too, but you just never knew it. Ugh, and the stuff about your dad, heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

[Tracy]

I am with you Charlie. Never in my whole life have I felt attractive. Back in college when I was drinking, I had a few moments of false confidence but even that fakery ended when I stopped drinking. Now I have just decided to get over it and focus on other stuff. Well, that's the plan anyway ;)

Anyway, you look pretty cute to me in that photo!! Funny how differently others see us.

[Charlie]

Tracy - Funny, you always seemed pretty confident to me. We really never know what's in the other person's head, do we.