Day 309: A critic's critic

I've been in a very dark place lately. And if there's one thing I've learned about internal darkness, is that cannot be ended by external light. Or if that metaphor doesn't rub your Buddha, try this: I sailed into this storm, and I'm just going to have to sail out again.

* * *

What is the greatest threat to any human relationship? Physical distance/separation? Nope. Betrayal/infidelity? Wrong again. The answer is: CRITICISM. That niggling urge to nudge, steer, and berate those closest to us. If you need proof: recall the time when you first felt deeply attracted to your partner. Now picture that during your courtship you'd said things like... "You're not going to wear THAT sweater are you?" Or, "You're tailgating again."  You'd likely be alone today, eating your dinner out of a dog food can while watching reruns of Three's Company on TV. Yet we think nothing of saying exactly those things to the one person who has vowed to stay with us no matter what. Quite a reward for loyalty.

So why do we do it? Maybe it's a matter of asserting our autonomy, e.g., we can tell ourselves we're valid and important if we are giving "direction." Maybe it's passive-aggressive retaliation. I really don't know. But I can assure you that it is as destructive to intimacy as antifreeze is to cats. 

I'm not speaking from a position of superiority. I'm one of the most grumpy critical people I know. And that is part of the problem. The other part is that I am married to one of the other most critical people I know.  And it hurts...both of us. I've learned one thing with the utmost certainty: I don't know how I sound. What I may consider a casual aside often comes out as a venomous barb. So what's the cure? Spa retreats with New Age gurus? Self-help books? Intimacy courses from the Learning Annex? 

I'm gonna say: no.

But a shift in perspective is definitely necessary. Ask yourself this: Would I give up ever having sex with my partner again if it meant that she/he would never criticize me again. Before you vote on impulse. Think about it. Celibacy starts to look pretty good. Or how about this: Would I have criticized my partner in that way if my partner only had a year to live? Food for thought.

So here's your assignment. Go 48 hours without criticizing your partner. That means: all weekend, no criticism. Sounds easy, right? Try it. I'm going to be trying it with you.

We'll check back on Monday and see how we did.

Comments

[Darcy]

Great challenge, Charlie. I'll join in. And I'll be tested, too. We've got a 2-hour drive tomorrow (each way, 4 total) and visiting the Doc's parents, which is often... interesting.

[Melissa in TN]

Thanks for this interesting and much-needed challenge.

I hope your blues go away soon. Be nice to yourself, too. You've had a lot to deal with lately.

[Tracy]

Does the challenge include not rolling my eyes at him either? :)

[Leah]

Hahaha, Tracy, my son rolled his eyes at me yesterday and my husband looked at him and asked, "can you see your brains when you do that?" It took him a minute to get it, but it was pretty darned funny once he did!!

Great challenge, Charlie and good luck to you!! My trick is to bitch and moan and criticise internally without saying anything out loud. About 80% of the time, once I've vented to myself I realize I am the one who is being an ass. The other 15% of the time I am able to get to a place where I can calmly and rationally discuss what is bothering me.

The last 5% of the time, I admit I'm PMSing, but tell my husband he must NEVER suggest such a thing to me!!

[Thomas]

Okay, I'll take the challenge. Let you know how it goes.

Have to say, this is one of your more brilliant & incisive posts.

Your first para reminds me of one of my mottoes: Sometimes the best way out is through the middle.

[Jo-Ann]

LOL sure I am working all weekend and it will be too easy...............

[d.lish]

i wonder if me and my kids could do it
cause it happens between all of us
hell.. it just did
much love to you
criticize me if you want
:P
xo

[Kathy Napolitano]

OK I'm game. This could be really tough.

[northerngurl]

I'm in.

[Sarah]

But what if he's doing something wrong???

Bahahahaha!

Definite food for thought. xo

[Dave]

This is a good post, Charlie. I'll give it my best shot.

[Melissa]

I just read this, so I'm missing a day, but I'll take the challenge for Sunday & Monday.