Day 313: How was your criticism-free weekend?

Time to check in, as promised, on our criticism-free weekend. Cecily and I went from Friday evening to Monday evening (72 hours) without criticizing each other, and I'll say it made a substantial difference in the way we relate to each other. And, more importantly, I did not feel myself bursting at the seems with comments and resentments. By simply regarding Cecily with the same courtesy I'd afford someone I met in the street (and she, returning the gesture), we were able to function far better as a parenting team, and with far less chaos in general.

Like any bad habit, criticism seems self-reinforcing. That is, the less I criticize, the less I want to criticize. So, by that reasoning, if I can refrain from criticism on a daily basis over time, the urge to criticize should fade further. Being a recovering drunk, it's easy (or at least familiar) to apply the "one day at a time" model to criticism as I've applied it to alcohol. And so far, it seems to be working.

Cecily and I have always been an effective team when it comes to cooperative tasks like camping and parenting. By "effective" I mean, we get the job done. However, in the process of getting the job done, there is usually much cursing, some screaming, and a liberal sprinkling of snarky asides. By eliminating criticism, we have been able to retain  all the teamwork while removing the snarkiness and chaos. 

Since last night, we've hit a few little bumps in the road, but nothing major, and are currently trying to extend the "criticism-free zone" into the week.

Now it's time to hear how you did... so spill it.

Comments

[Kermit]

We did well with not criticizing each other this weekend. However, I have to disclose that my husband has criticized me about three times in our ten years of marriage, and all three times I was being an asshat.

I first say all my criticisms in my head, which helps me not say them out loud.

[Bob T]

UMMMMMM....it didn't go very well...that's all I'm gonna say.

[Melissa in TN]

I could have done better. I guess I would give myself a B-.

At no time did I morph into Suzie Greene (from "Curb Your Enthusiasm") but I did offer a few suggestions. We did have a short road trip and took the kids to get pictures made (and it was hellish).

My husband is hardly ever critical of me. I just can't help it if he's too close to that semi we are behind on the interstate. I've got babies in the back!

We basically don't yell and curse at each other and we've been married 6.5 years. We get along really well probably because he is so laid back.

This little challenge of yours did make me think. I believe it is the familiarity that sort of gives one the green light to offer "suggestions."

We need more Charlie challenges and more poem/picture combos from you and D.lish!

[Leslie]

Criticizing each other hasn't been a big issue for us - and we've been married for 24 years, a couple for 28. Your post led me to a long discussion with my 17 year old daughter since we had a long drive over the weekend. Talking about relationships I said B and I rarely fight because we've learned over the years that it's got to be something worth fighting about - that is - looking for something to change and addressing the behavior or thing one of us objects to rather than the person. Many of the things I once would have criticized him for I no longer bother about - life's too short and they're not important enough. (or I'll say it in my head but not out loud if I'm mildly annoyed but not cross enough to want to make an issue of whatever it is). This is not to say that we're saints or anything like it but we've learned to pick our battles and let the minor stuff go - it makes for a far more serene life. Besides - we've got teenagers so all the emotional energy and annoyance seems to gravitate their way :-)

[Darcy]

I didn't tell Andy I was doing this experiment, and I think I basically succeeded, but paying attention did make me more aware, more quick to silence myself if I felt like I was going into critical mode. I also noticed that the way I tend to criticize, when I do it, is kind of sideways. I am more likely to ask a critical question than make a critical statement, if that makes sense.

Before posting this comment I checked with Andy to see if he remembered me criticizing him this weekend (and I realize that telling him ahead of time would have made more sense), and he didn't. What we did recall, though, is that I spent all of Sunday being so critical of *myself* that there wasn't any time or energy left to criticize Andy. I wonder if I could get through even a day of not criticizing myself in any way??

[Tracy]

Doug and I actually don't criticize each other much. Although I do admit to being a bit critical, mostly in the car when he is driving. Solved that one by driving HIM around;)

I am with Darcy though; I spend most of my time beating myself up and so there is little energy left to be critical of Doug;)