Fast Food Fiasco, Part 1

I've long believed that, as a culture and a society, America is bereft of ideas.  For proof one need look no further than our "blockbuster" films, all of which sem to be remakes of other films or TV shows...or worse, adaptations of video games.  But that will have to wait for another rant. 

For now, what's occupying my thoughts is the frenzied effort of the fast food industry to gain our attention (and money) with an ever more spectacularly disgusting array of food combinations. 

Exhibit A: The KFC "Famous" Bowl
There are so many things wrong with this that I can't choose where to begin.  So let's start with the ingredients, which for the most part represent a chicken dinner.  You have mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, and chicken bits.  Not too bad, unless you consider that they are piled one atop the other.  And then they are topped with, for an obscene reason I cannot fathom, cheese.  To overstate the obvious, cheese has no place in a chicken dinner.  I don't know what demographic comprised the focus groups upon whom tese bowl meals were tested prior to marketing, but I can only assume that the answer is 4-year-old children or chimpanzees.  Four-year-olds will eat gloppy crap no matter what it is, and chimpanzees will throw it at you. 

But let's return to the layers...
1. Mashed potatoes and gravy.  This is your base.  Mostly because it's cheap and they can fill half the bowl with it for only pennies a serving.   
2. Corn.  Now you really have to love corn if you're going to have it sitting awash in a pool of gravy.  And maybe it's just me but corn off the cob just always looks like baby food.
3. Chicken noobies.  Since someone else has the franchise on the term "nuggets", let's call them "noobies."  Whatever the case, they're little deep-fried boneless bits of chicken (probably scraps that have fallen to the slaughterhouse floor).  These are your main course, and are probably oily and salty enough to taste alright. 
4. Cheese. The guy who thought of adding cheese as a topping should be chained by the ankles to his pick-up truck and dragged thru a cactus field.  Because what he's achieved is to make the whole concoction resemble a heaping, steaming bowl of vomit.  Nice going, pal! 

I keep thinking of the time that the Louisiana prison system decided to minimize food fights by baking all the ingredients of a single meal into one loaf, which could then be sliced up and given to the inmates.  I believe this resulted in a lawsuit filed by the ACLU and the cessation of the practice.

But I think that without resorting to the ACLU, we can all agree to STOP putting cheese on chicken.  Just stop it.  Afterall we don't put hot fudge on asparagus.  Though I guess I shouldn't give Dairy Queen any ideas. 

...

Stay tuned for Part 2

Comments

[Jon]

CAN'T
STOP
LAUGHING

ok, I thought of actually trying it, but then, I'm a bit of a masochist.

I'm not sure how to carry this entry with me now. Do I see it as a challenge, or a warning?

[Elena]

I agree, the KFC pile 'o bad for you food in a bowl looks disgusting! Like it wouldn't already send me into digestive hell, even without the fake cheese sauce. bleah!

I wondering if this "bowl" craze at most of the restaurants is an indication of America's wish to shovel food into their mouths even more quickly, now without having to slow down to identify the different food items?

Maybe next we'll be offered a BigMac/supersize fries/wilted iceberg lettuce side salad/chocolate milkshake blended smoothie? Now THAT would be fast food...

[Noelle]

Every time I see a commercial for those KFC bowls, I vomit a little in my mouth.

This post is especially timely for me because I just returned from a trip to Italy. Everytime I leave country (which really isn't often at all) I'm reminded of how unoriginal our country is. (I'm also reminded that I love it, despite it's shortcomings and questionable politicians who are trying to destroy democracy. But I digress.) The other night a friend and I were trying to come up with an idea or invention that was developed in America and subsequently made the world a better place. We were being pretty general because frankly, I count good Italian pizza as an innovation that makes our world a little bit better of a place.

We came up with two things -- the electric guitar and democracy. I wanted to put (American) football and baseball on the list, but neither of those sports galvanizes the world the way soccer (real football) does. And so the list remained short.

But anyway. Still proud to be an American, I just like shaking my head in wonder as we spread McDonald's and Subway all over the world.

[Melissa in TN]

I am so glad that I am not the only one who thinks that bowl is just nasty looking.

On to better things, the picture of you and Cecily giving Tori a smooch (on Cecily's blog) is just beautiful. I'm so happy for you three.

[sweetchaos]

so thought the very same things when I saw the commercial. my 4 year old instantly said, "Hey Mom, why would they sell all that food all mixed up?"

only chimps would throw it, children won't eat it.

[Amy T]

Ok, I hate to be the only dissenter, but I am a KFC bowl addict! The bowl is the ultimate in comfort food for me. Congrats on Tori - love the pictures!

[Nina]

hahaha, that was so funny to read! Haven't tried it, probably won't. I don't like the mixing of foods either.

[rachel]

I think your safe. Dairy Queen will never serve asparagus.

[Jenie]

Ummm...hi. Hmmmm....I thought it was good. *ducks head*

However, I did get it without the cheese. Maybe that redeems me a bit? No?

[Charlie]

Jenie - Yes, without the cheese, always preferable.

[Amy]

Every time I see that commercial I think of that Saturday night live skit Taco Town.

http://www.youtube.com/w/Taco%20ToWn!?v=mQzRRqyd1mk

Makes me laugh every time.

You honestly couldn't pay me to eat at KFC. Years ago I lived across the street from one in NYC and the greasy fried smell...dear lord. It permeated everything in the apartment. I swear my couch smelled like fried chicken. And I'm a vegetarian so it was particularly disgusting. Between the stink and the fact that it was open until 4am so it seemed to draw in every late night drunk in a 30 block radius I had to move.

[Kim M]

Good post. I saw on the news the other day that KFC's 3 piece chicken dinner has 15g of trans fat. OK, the FDA recommends that people only consume 1g of trans fat per day. SICK.

[Catherine]

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http://www.naturalmarket.com/shop/detail.cfm/sku/L2110/S/637010

[Sarah]

I am so with you on that food bowl thing. WTF? Cheese! Yeesh.
Sarah

[wealhtheow]

Noelle, what about the polio vaccine? Or the light bulb? Or jazz?

I get what you're trying to say, Charlie, but I have to disagree. As much as America seems to be overrun with crap, there are still vibrant and original thinkers among us. What about Gary Snyder, Yo-Yo Ma, Libby Larsen, Bill Moyers, or Tony Kushner, just to name a few? All of these people bring a uniquely American sensibility to their art. I believe that originality still thrives in America.

As hard as that is to believe when we look at KFC's Bowl o' Hell.

[Lonna]

OK... I now have to go change my underwear from laughing so hard I peed a little!

Tori is beautiful!

[Bluestocking]

I don't think we are inherently doomed to mediocrity. Just buried in a giant odorous pile of corporate sponsored crap much like the KFC bowl. One of our really good ideas, the separation of church and state, is fast being dismantled. Thanks George!

Wasn't democracy begun by the Ancient Greeks?

Jazz and blues, and everything that came from that, including rock and roll - these have made the world a better place.

[Charlie]

Before we get too far afield, I wasn't claiming that America (or Americans) never had any original ideas. Quite the contrary. My lament is that we seem to have run out. And probably because we let the boys on Madison Ave and inside the Beltway set the agenda.

Much great art, music, architecture, and technological innovation has come out of the U.S.... my point is that recently we seem to be chewing old bones rather than grilling new beef.

In my view, some great American innovations include...
Jazz (really American Classical Music), and Blues (as mentioned previously)
Beat/Confessional Poetry (when done well, i.e. Kerouac and Bukowski.)

Plus:
Architects like Frank Furness (who designed some of the most original structures ever, back in the 1880s)...
Painters like Edward Hopper (and not just because of Nighthawks, tho that's a great one)...
Actors like Humphrey Bogart...
Physician-Inventors like Robert Jarvik (key in developing the artificial heart)...and many many more.

It's just that lately we (as a culture) seem to have as our greatest "heros" robber barons like Trump and Gates, while our creative side seems as regurgitated as our fast food.

Hope that clarifies things.

Onward...

[Charlie]

P.S.
Yo-Yo Ma was born in Paris, no?

[Whimsical Ranter]

I just heard that somewhere around here you can a krispy creme doughnut cheeseburger.

That's about as twisted as those KFC things.

[[email protected]]

Although Ma was born in Paris to Chinese parents, he immigrated to New York at a fairly young age and I believe is a naturalized citizen. Even if he's not, he definitely thinks of himself as an American musician, and his playing and musical tastes absolutely reflect an American style.

I know you weren't saying that America has always been void of ideas--that's why I only listed contemporary Americans in my list. My point is that originality and creativity are still very much alive in this country.

But I do agree that it's hard to find unless you're looking for it, and the majority of our citizens seem to prefer KFC and trump. I know children who hold Trump as their greatest hero, which is pretty fucking wrong, if you ask me.

I guess I'm just an optimist and won't cede hope until we start up the vomitoriums.

[[email protected]]

OK, at the risk of taking up your whole blog, I think I get what we're both saying. At hte individual level, originality abounds. At the societal level, it founders. I still keep hoping that one day people will wake up, though.

[Tamara]

I gained ten pounds watching that commercial, it made me feel guilty and I hadn't even considered trying it. The saddest part? I wondered why they didn't include their delicious mac and cheese in the bowl.

[Stephanie]

I don't know if you've ever had chicken with cheese, but I stand firm with good ole A.B. when he says there's a cheese for everything. I'm not saying I have a desire to eat the KFC puke-in-a-bowl; I am saying that chicken and cheese are good together.

[Stephanie]

I've seen that commercial a hundred times and never have I even once wanted to eat that.
my kids wouldn't eat it either.
so yeah, gross.