I should have known when the year began with a severe yet unexplained dizzy spell that 2009 would be one of imbalance, fear, and frustration. And it's certainly lived up to that, and more. I won't chronicle all the butter-side-down moments. I am well aware that many of you have experienced things this year that would make my year look like a Tahitian sex tour on stolen credit cards.
But last night, as Cecily and I faced the prospect of a drastically scaled-down Christmas, the proverbial shit struck the proverbial fan. It was one of those fights that, had we been drinking, would have ended with someone walking home in the snow. Or leaping from a moving car. Or worse.
Like lightning hitting kerosene, we fought it out along the roadside. Fortunately, Tori was home, fast asleep under the watchful and loving eyes of my mother-in-law. And we dug deep. Threw it all in. Money. Sex. Depression. We got right to the bottom of the drum. "So," Cecily asked at one beleaguered point, "are we doomed?" And those of you who know her know that "doomed" is not in Cecily's vocabulary.
When it was over, we were drained, and knew we'd be slightly hungover today (figuratively speaking). But we had, in some sense, cleared the air. And I realized once again that I do not know sometimes how pessimistic I can sound. And I'd forgotten in the midst of a piss poor financial year that Christmas means the world to Cecily. And that my desire to simply "get through" the remainder of 2009 was robbing her of joy.
So we went home, nursed our wounds, and went to bed.
Today was better. We were conspicuously careful with each other's hearts, and even managed a few laughs while buying the ingredients for Christmas dinner (many thanks to those who pitched in and helped finance the meal). There are eight days left in 2009. And to paraphrase Nietzsche, if those eight days do not kill us, I am certain they will leave us stronger than we've been.
Onward.
I always am amazed at reading the two different versions of your life. Cecily took on a great burden last night about the fight and you did too. Life when you are broke sucks. It sucks most when you have had a bad year.
Posted by: Connie | December 23, 2009 at 10:15 PM
Y'all's recent anniversary might have heightened the voltage, too. Nothing like a milestone to prompt reflection & measurements (in which oneself always comes up short). It is so good that you two (and three) have each other.
Posted by: Thomas | December 23, 2009 at 10:40 PM
I hope that 2010 is better on all of us. I am so glad you are all in my life!!
Posted by: Jo-Ann | December 24, 2009 at 08:12 AM
Onward
By Scott Newport
Onward I go
With many words stowed
Some nice
Some with a price
Onward I go
With a little dough
Only one dollar
Makes me holler
Onward I go
Sometimes so low
With a past
That seems to last
Onward I go
Tomorrow who knows?
Today I pray
We both stay
Posted by: scott newport | December 24, 2009 at 09:12 AM
I found you thru your wife. I think you are an excellent writter. Very honest and heartfelt. I hope your 2010 is a great one!
Posted by: maggie | December 25, 2009 at 06:02 AM