Somewhere along the line, a very long time ago, I was given two pieces of bad intel. First, that if I were orderly and prompt, my life would be free of chaos. And second, that life would be easier than it actually is. I believe this faulty information came from my parents: my mom for the first and my dad for the second.
Most people, upon learning they'd been following flawed advice, would stop trying to make ten pounds of sand fit in a five pound bucket. Most people. But not me.
So, as Cecily pointed out to me quite succinctly today, perhaps the reason I'm cranky all the time is that I choose not to accept the world as it is. Bad drivers. Rude clerks. Needless road construction. Annoying commercials. Financial setbacks. Health problems. All of it.
She had me. I mean, I have no idea why I just can't accept life's sand traps. And I have no idea what kind of person I'd be if I could. A Buddhist monk, perhaps. But it's given me pause. And at this time of year when one considers such foolhardy enterprises as New Year's resolutions, I must at least examine my motives and goals here.
As a friend used to say, "Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy?" When he first asked me, years ago, I thought, "Well that's a stupid question. Right, of course." But these days I want to be happy. I'm not sure what will help. I'm guessing pharmaceuticals.
Laughter, Charlie. Laughter is always the best medicine. If you can find a way to see the humor, the sheer silliness of it all, man that is the best.
New tire goes flat on the highway in the middle of winter. Laugh at how very Murphy's law like it is and keep pushing forward, never mind that you have to pull an entire set of drums out of the trunk to get to the spare - that just adds to the ridiculousness of the situation.
When life hands you lemons, piss in its face while laughing at it.
Posted by: leah | December 27, 2009 at 10:49 PM
Well, having read your blog for a while, I think there are at least 2 things at play here, first is mood, second is attitude and habit is a part of that. I get that messages from parents get hard-wired into our brain, but can be undone, with effort and help.
There is a lot of beauty in your life, and even when reporting it, you don't seem to feel it. Big Pharma might help, therapy might help, reading positive things that can lift you, list making, goal-setting, poetry, music, yoga, meditation, acupuncture, etc. The list is yours to make, the path is yours to find. Simply finding ways to increase your endorphins might help a lot.
You have talked about blowing projects at work, and having to add many hours to your work week. That lack of focus is often a sign of depression. You often sound overloaded, and maybe reorganization of your day could help.
I was raised to believe that if I have problems, I was bad. That is so stupid, of course everyone has problems every day. It was a bitch to get around this and it still shows up although i have known it was a fallacy for decades.
You have strong motivation to be different, since you have that great kid and wife. Try everything that appeals to you, but be systematic about it, keep a journal or notes to see how you feel about modifications. I look forward to seeing how you do, and I will be optimistic for you until you can get there for yourself.
Posted by: bella | December 27, 2009 at 11:18 PM
OK, Charlie, I'm convinced we are twins separated at birth. I have such high hopes for my fellow human beings and they repeatedly let me down.
I am also being treated for depression, both pharma and therapy, but I think the "new, cheaper" drug I changed to doesn't work as well as the "older, more expensive" drug (and I mean old and new to me), which only reinforces my perception that the world is out to get me.
Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't out to get me. LMAO
We're all just doing the best that we can. Hang tough, man.
Jules
Posted by: sparkly_jules | December 28, 2009 at 02:02 AM
I have done the pharma road and let me say this: Being happy against your will just pisses you off more. Find the thing that gives you the most pleasure and do that. And follow Leah's advice as much as possible.
Have a glass half full kind of day!
Posted by: Dogwoman | December 28, 2009 at 06:18 AM
If cranky is a habit and you want to break it, look at what feeds it, so you can starve it. Take baby steps, but starve it to death.
Posted by: Celeste | December 28, 2009 at 08:46 AM
Cecily sure got that right... "accept the world as it is." I'm working on that too, Charlie. Hang in there and savor Tori's smiles and all the little things that brighten your day.
"Accept the world as it is." Yep. We all need to learn how to do that. Wise woman, that Cecily :-) Wish it were easier to do.
But I plan to keep working on it - it's getting easier (of course, I just retired from a job I hated-- probably helps!). Life is NOT easy, but what I've found in my sixty-two years is that there's no telling what's around the next corner. Sometimes it's big--a
life-changing surprise (my family has had a couple of those). Wouldn't want to miss that. Not sure that pharmaceuticals help... I've been on Paxil for awhile, and I still get down sometimes and angry at this crazy world. But it could be worth a try. I see from the comments that you've been given some good advice. Hope it helps. You DO have a lot going for you, Charlie. (Wish I could WRITE like you can! You have a real gift.) Plus the wise, sexy woman and the beautiful daughter.
Posted by: Nanarockinween | December 28, 2009 at 04:41 PM
This was a really good post, Charlie. I can relate to a point. I was glad to read the line "I want to be happy".
Your daily blogging has been a treat to read. (Even with all the ups and downs of the past year) You mentioned you might take a break, and honestly, I hope you can find a way to keep blogging every day.
I feel the same way you do about resolutions. I don't have any hard ones I want to share, but overall, I'm going to make a general effort to lighten the load as far as my overall amount of possessions (old cars and car parts mainly) and mental clutter. I want to make my life simpler. We'll see how it goes.
Posted by: Dave | December 28, 2009 at 05:10 PM
That's where the whole "God" thing comes into play. Doesn't matter that people can't prove a darn thing, it makes them happy to believe. ...and you, my friend, are an Atheist - or so you say. ;)
Posted by: CJ | December 29, 2009 at 05:33 AM
See if there is anything on this blog that resonates with you.
http://www.happiness-project.com/
Posted by: Celeste | December 29, 2009 at 03:16 PM
Thanks Celeste. Yeh, I can see the bit about the goal being necessary but the journey being the point. But if it's all the same to everyone, I'll just take the little pill.
Posted by: Charlie | December 29, 2009 at 05:03 PM
CJ - The main reason I'm an atheist is that I cannot conceive of a God that would be preferable to the absence of God.
Posted by: Charlie | December 29, 2009 at 05:05 PM
Imagining that there's something or someone more right and brilliant than I am has always been a tough one for me too. ;)
Posted by: CJ | December 30, 2009 at 06:11 AM