It ain't all pizzas and cream

Day 364: Roll Credits

Well, if you're doing the math and wondering why the last day of 2009 is Day 364 on my blog, you'll remember that I only committed to this yearlong blogging project on January SECOND. Yeh, because that's how I roll. Stupid.

So I figured I'd thank you, my readers, who've given me so much support and thoughtful commentary throughout the year. Some of you I know in the real world... Cecily (of course), Sarah, Jo-Ann, Dave, Leah, Katie (ktpup), Jon (Crackers), Thomas, Andrew, Jess, Theresa, Catherine, Darcy, Tracy, Molly, Diana R., Jon (Cutter), and of course d.lish who did such a magnificent job on our collaborative art and poetry project. And then there are those of you I know only via cyberspace: Melissa in TN, Celeste, Kathy_B, Bob T, Scott Newport, sparkly_jules, bella, Rachel, palemother, Kermit, to name but a few. 

Thanks for adding me to your feed burner or reader or whatever flibbety it is that keeps you updated. I appreciate the readership and the commentary. I thank you not only the support, which has been generous, but for the arguments, which have proven to be some of the most enlightening discussions. 

I wish you all health, joy, prosperity, and peace of mind in the coming year.  Now let's kick this shit year to the curb and get the party started.

Day 363: Twennyten, almost.

Fucked up my car today, ran into my own garage gate while trying to negotiate my way around my neighbor's dead Lexus in our shared driveway. Yeh. It's my fault. But I do hope the dead car gets towed soon. Just the capper to a Charlie Brown year for me. Can't really even think about it, or where I'll get the cash to get the dent banged out. Ruby's survived worse. So will I. 

And I'd rather stuff like this happen at the end of '09, which already sucks, than at the beginning of '10. So what are we calling the new year anyway? I mean, we can't say "oh-nine" anymore. "Two-oh-one-oh" is too long, and "Ten" just isn't catchy. How about "Twennyten"? With three n's. Like "two-fiddy" has two d's. 

What will Twennyten bring? Well, I've got high hopes. Which is dangerous. But nonetheless, I'm hoping for economic stability, globally, locally, and in my own wallet. Also that some form of universal health care passes. But mostly for health and happiness for those we love. I know, I said that last year, and it didn't work out too well.

As for resolutions, perhaps just these: try to be more accepting of life on life's terms (even if that means taking pills to do it). And one other thing I dare say we all should try--to treat our spouses, lovers, partners with the same care and courtesy with which we treat our friends. Sounds deceptively simple. Yet do we actually do it? I read several blogs, have a Twitter account, and am an active participant on Facebook and Flickr. The outpourings of encouragement shared from friend to friend on these sites are truly inspiring. Comments like "You're a Goddess", "You rock", "You'll make it", "You can do anything" are as abundant as stars.

If our conversations at home were only one tenth as encouraging.

I'm not pointing fingers--I am as guilty as anyone of saving my piss and vinegar for my wife. Precisely why I propose this: If a friend would consider a statement rude, selfish, or depressing, perhaps consider whether you need to say it to your spouse. The "zero-criticism weekend" was such a success at home (and with my shrink, who thinks it "brilliant") that I figure it's time to take things a step further.

Good luck, all. I'll be counting the hours till Twennyten.

Day 362: A few of my favorite things

Thought I'd take you back through some of my favorite images from 2009.

Mummer's Parade:

Inaugural Train:

Sled Dog:

 

Flautist, Clark Park:

 

Riding the Strasburg RR:

Cape Henlopen, DE:

New Hope, PA:

Me 'n Dad:

 

Homeless, Please Help:

Ocean City:

Car Show:

Tori's Birthday:

 

In the Shenandoahs:

 

July 4th:

 

Rocky Horror, Phoenixville:

D-K Diner:

 

Face Painting at the Zoo:

 

South Broad:

Summer is Over:

 

Chimney Rock, NC:

 

Pink Caddy:

Bubba (1998?-2009):

 

 Tori on Ruby:

Xmas at the mall:

Tree Lot:

Canny Belle:

Day 361: Like a rodeo bull, I spend my days charging at clowns

I took a quiz that revealed

my most often used word is "why."

My second is "people." Seems I do not

understand my species. Like a rodeo bull,

I spend my days charging at clowns.

For years I occupied the same bar

stool. Each time the tavern door opened

I felt life take a swing at me

and miss.  For years I tried to die alone.

And now I want to live long enough

to hold a grandchild. God, my father said,

is a trickster. Seems the old man

was right once again.

Day 360: Resolution time?

Somewhere along the line, a very long time ago, I was given two pieces of bad intel. First, that if I were orderly and prompt, my life would be free of chaos. And second, that life would be easier than it actually is. I believe this faulty information came from my parents: my mom for the first and my dad for the second.

Most people, upon learning they'd been following flawed advice, would stop trying to make ten pounds of sand fit in a five pound bucket. Most people. But not me.

So, as Cecily pointed out to me quite succinctly today, perhaps the reason I'm cranky all the time is that I choose not to accept the world as it is. Bad drivers. Rude clerks. Needless road construction. Annoying commercials. Financial setbacks. Health problems. All of it.

She had me. I mean, I have no idea why I just can't accept life's sand traps. And I have no idea what kind of person I'd be if I could. A Buddhist monk, perhaps.  But it's given me pause. And at this time of year when one considers such foolhardy enterprises as New Year's resolutions, I must at least examine my motives and goals here.

As a friend used to say, "Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy?" When he first asked me, years ago, I thought, "Well that's a stupid question. Right, of course." But these days I want to be happy. I'm not sure what will help. I'm guessing pharmaceuticals.

Day 359: Holiday hangover

First I want to thank all our holiday guests for making this a truly fun Christmas, despite stressful economic times. Thanks Anne, Sarah, Sophia, Pete, Lauren, Jim, Geoffrey and Michelle.  Christmas, for me, is about the power of family and friendship. And last night was the perfect reminder.  

* * *

Today was a sleepy, rainy, messy day. The perfect day to do nothing. I even went back to bed from 10a.m. to noon. How decadent is that? 

* * *

A well-timed paycheck let us go out for a bit today. Tho it was to Ikea. Which I hate. Sorry, Ikea fans. But we figured, hey, we'll make use of their child care center and just browse calmly. I should have known that no trip to Ikea can be stress-free. So five minutes after dropping Tori in the play area, when we hear our names bellowed over the public address system, I should not have been shocked. Seems Tori had a full-on meltdown after we left. So we went back and got her. So much for child care at Ikea. 

Then it was off to shop. Now I've learned one thing about Ikea: buy nothing that requires assembly, involves particle board, or assembly. So that limited us to essentials like a trash can, cups and bowls for Tori, a battery-powered kitchen clock, a duster, a hot dog, and a soda. Grand total, $38 and just a few frayed nerves.

* * *

One bit of drama... seems my mom decked a staffer at the nursing home. Yeh. She always had a mean punch. And while she's always been more of the Mr.Magoo type of Alzheimer's patient, she apparently is still capable of a sucker punch. So, she got a psych evaluation, and will have her meds reviewed. But since it's a first offense, it's unlikely her care will change. I tried getting as much info on the incident as possible. (After all, Tori and I were just there yesterday and had a perfectly normal visit.) Seems mom was hovering near the doors to the unit and was agitated. She's on a locked ward and sometimes she feels an urgent need to leave. The staffer was apparently a weekend worker whom mom didn't know well, and when the staffer tried to guide mom away from the doors...POW. Yeh.

I must confess, part of me said, "Well at least it's not me at the receiving end anymore." I had a rock 'em sock 'em childhood. And part of me wonders if the staffer perhaps did do something inappropriate (which is mom's claim). In which case, well, she had it coming. We'll probably never know. But if we needed a reminder that "peace on earth, good will toward all men" is a one-day event, this was it.

* * *

Hope you all had a joyous and safe Christmas. Onward to New Year's!

Day 358: Merry Christmas

Yes, I'm an atheist. And yes, I celebrate Christmas. As a time of family, good friends, reflection, and gratitude.

Tori opened her presents this morning. Thankfully, she won't remember 2009 as an austere Christmas. 

Took Tori to see my mom this morning. Only two generations separate them...but they're 80 years apart in age.  Welcome to the sandwich generation.

However you do or don't celebrate Xmas, I hope you all have a safe and joyful day.

Day 357: Dear Dad

You would've been 77 today.

You taught me so much in your short time.

You taught me how to love my child.

How to laugh.

You taught me that the crowd is always wrong.

You taught me never to give a bastard any satisfaction.

You taught me fairness.

You taught me that unless the mouse eats, the hawk too will die.

You taught me the beauty of classical music.

And the beauty of cursing from a moving vehicle.

And that faith is often forged from pain

...and not always by the rules.

Thank you.

Day 356: Oh 2009, is there anything you can't ruin?

I should have known when the year began with a severe yet unexplained dizzy spell that 2009 would be one of imbalance, fear, and frustration. And it's certainly lived up to that, and more. I won't chronicle all the butter-side-down moments. I am well aware that many of you have experienced things this year that would make my year look like a Tahitian sex tour on stolen credit cards.

But last night, as Cecily and I faced the prospect of a drastically scaled-down Christmas, the proverbial shit struck the proverbial fan.  It was one of those fights that, had we been drinking, would have ended with someone walking home in the snow. Or leaping from a moving car. Or worse.

Like lightning hitting kerosene, we fought it out along the roadside. Fortunately, Tori was home, fast asleep under the watchful and loving eyes of my mother-in-law. And we dug deep. Threw it all in. Money. Sex. Depression. We got right to the bottom of the drum. "So," Cecily asked at one beleaguered point, "are we doomed?" And those of you who know her know that "doomed" is not in Cecily's vocabulary.

When it was over, we were drained, and knew we'd be slightly hungover today (figuratively speaking). But we had, in some sense, cleared the air. And I realized once again that I do not know sometimes how pessimistic I can sound. And I'd forgotten in the midst of a piss poor financial year that Christmas means the world to Cecily. And that my desire to simply "get through" the remainder of 2009 was robbing her of joy.

So we went home, nursed our wounds, and went to bed.

Today was better. We were conspicuously careful with each other's hearts, and even managed a few laughs while buying the ingredients for Christmas dinner (many thanks to those who pitched in and helped finance the meal).  There are eight days left in 2009. And to paraphrase Nietzsche,  if those eight days do not kill us, I am certain they will leave us stronger than we've been.

Onward.

Day 355: Pithy is just pissy with a speech impediment.

 
Nothing pithy today. Finished an overdue job but not feeling that happy sense of satisfaction. It's just a case of me letting the little bad things overshadow the big good ones.

We interrupt this gloomy post to bring you a silly photo of my dog...