With Mother's Day fast approaching, I thought I'd share some of my mom's greatest moments. Now, as many of you are aware, my mom and I have had our difficulties. She had, until her slow descent into dementia, a particular talent for being what I call "surgically offensive." She could slice deep with a single offhand remark, and leave her target gasping for air. And while Alzheimer's has rendered her a gentle (if confused) soul, I think it worthwhile to reprise a few of her more cutting remarks. So here's to you, ma...
ON RAISING A TEENAGE SON
Mom: "Why can't you make your bed in the morning?"
Me: "Relax, it's not like I murdered someone."
Mom: "It's just as bad!"
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ON READING MY FIRST SHORT STORY
"You know why there's no feeling to your characters? Because you have no feelings."
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ON VEGETARIANISM
During a dinner party, a guest politely declined the main course, saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't eat meat." Without hesitation, mom cleared away the woman's place setting, leaving her with nothing but a napkin and a glass of water until dessert.
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ON OPERA
"One can endure only so much of the human voice."
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ON FAMILY
A cousin: "Oh it's so nice to see you again!"
Mom: "I wish I could say the same."
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ON JUST BEING MOM
[Walking into an audio repair shop to get her stero fixed]
Shopkeeper: "Good morning, how may I help you?"
Mom: "Ah, good morning. Do I detect an accent? Are you from Germany?"
Shopkeeper [slightly peeved]: "No, I'm Flemish."
Mom: "Oh that's too bad."
